       | Oh, big sigh, I feel stuck. That 18-hour binge I wrote about previously turned into two weeks off of the diet and my good habits. I long to feel energized and clear again. I long for that feeling of traction and direction and motion. Instead I've got this stuck sensation. At first it was about anger at my ex. Which I've still got plenty of. We're baby stepping our way into communication about our son, our parenting plan, explaining "divorce" to a child with increasing questions, and the looming unknown of child support that hangs in the pauses. There's more to be said, by me, at least. But in the last week there's other concerns that are creeping up in my mind and heart. I'm sad to be without a partner. I don't want to reconnect with my ex, but I also feel the loss of having a special someone to navigate this life with. Someone I respect and enjoy. Someone to raise my son with, celebrate and fight with, adventure with, and generally inhabit time with. Right now, that's not a dream coming true, or even one to put much energy into. I'm anchoring myself in the life that I have today. I'm trying to "bloom where I'm planted" among my friends, coworkers, and the good company of my son. I'm also missing "me" time and "my" stuff. I get a short break from parenting when Little N goes to his dad's on Saturday-Sunday but the time tends to get taken up with chores, groceries, a little vegging out and maybe a visit with a friend. But concentrated time to read, write, or otherwise create tends not to happen. I tend to get overwhelmed by what has to happen first to make my environment "just right" that I can't see past the chores and disarray. It might just be this season of parenting. Or it might be a call to start occupying that child-free time a little differently. And what about the issues I care about? When's the last time I really educated myself on what's going on in the world and made some effort to show up in response to it? What about good work? What about developing my talents, skills, and interests? Two weeks of mulling my feelings and trying to wiggle away from them with food and fatigue, I'm waking up to my choices. As a lover of lists - I'll draft up a Good For Me To Do list of both actions I can take today (chores on weekdays?, resume diet!) and projects to make step towards (what do I want to create?!). Parenting and divorcing may be a full and challenging season of tasks, changes, and negotiation but it doesn't have to be a stagnant season for me. And maybe two weeks of two steps back put me in a good position for a renewed perspective on my life. |
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C. Jane Kendrick is a Mormon feminist and blogger that I've been following off and on for a few years. I've been checking her blog recently, waiting for her response to the Ordain Women controversy and subsequent excommunication of Kate Kelly from the Mormon Church. As someone concerned about and committed to gender equality in our spiritual systems, this event got my attention. Kendrick gives us a heartfelt, thoughtful consideration of the issues and people involved in today's post: To My Mormon Daughters.
In writing the essay as a letter to her daughters, Kendrick owns that she is a feminist who cares deeply about her faith and her family. She is seeking new and more opportunities for women to serve in the Mormon church, while maintaining a deep, lived appreciation for the spaces she currently inhabits. She holds her Mormon sisters in high regard and values her engagement with them. Kendrick presents the essay in three sections. First, the research and relationships that informed her position on the issues at hand. Second, her affinity and affection for people who courageously express their hearts even when their ideas are unpopular. (I'd include Kendrick in this group.) Third, her belief that the ordination of women in the Mormon church won't come about until more women really want it. My favorite part of the essay comes near the end. Kendrick shares her conviction that there is "no scriptural or doctrinal declaration" proving that God does not want women to be ordained. She continues affirming the call to bring before God what is on our hearts. "Ask, knock, ponder, pray, have faith, have hope." Finally, she compares God to a loving parent who gives their children what their hearts desire, when it is "inherently good and safe." I love this essay because it is brave and heartfelt. I love it because Kendrick writes it to her daughters about who she is today and the vision she has for their future. I love it because it resonates with my own heart's desire for more opportunities for leadership and inclusion of women's perspective and experiences in the Evangelical Christian church of my youth. I love it because it illustrates Kendrick's commitment to stay in the church she loves, simultaneous to her work for something more for that church. It's a commitment that I couldn't make and I'm impressed and humbled by her example.  We've been telling Little N that he has to "try again" with Summer Camp. After Friday's success in the new group, he came home happy, proud, and full of energy. "I tried again!" he raced to tell me when I got home from work. Then he proceeded to pounce on me and jump around the living room.
Last night he started to get anxious again, but we reminded him that he was going to the new group and that he has a friend there. This morning, his dad dropped him off - with no problems. Little N found his friend. He called to his dad, "Bye!" and then turned to his friend. "Well, it's just you and me." 
Drawing by Little N following a trip to the zoo.
Can you guess which animal was his favorite?  Poor Little N. I signed him up for Summer Camp for his Summer child care. I talked to the director of the program and it sounded like a match. It's not. Kiddo hates it and cries and fusses every night and morning in anticipation of another day at camp. Little N says it's too loud, even with his ear muffs on. His dad has witnessed the classroom and describes it as disorderly and undisciplined. All of kiddo's Autism triggers are being hit. Noise, chaos, unpredictable behavior. More than a challenging transition to something new, it's a full offense on his sensitivities. Today, we're trying something new. Little N's dad went with him to drop off, as usual, but now is getting kiddo moved into a new classroom of slightly older kids. These children are kindergarten and first graders and are a little more mature. They already know how to behave in a classroom setting. Plus, this group has a teacher trained to work with children on the Spectrum. So far, this morning, Little N is participating, making friends, and playing with the group. He's still got his ear muffs on and his dad remains hovering in the background. But we're optimistic. Fingers crossed that Little N can do the same on Monday, when his dad drops him off and heads out.   Little N and his father went to Arkansas last weekend to introduce Little N to his relatives there. He met his grandmother, Aunt, and 3 cousins. From the first minute, the children clicked. For four days they played together all day and enjoyed late night slumber parties every night.
As for me, I hardly knew what to do with all my free time. I figured it out. I listened to music, which Little N does not enjoy, made frequent trips to the beach before or after work, and visited with friends. Night time was the hardest. Without the routine for my little man I didn't know when to go to bed. I found myself staying up late, puttering around, or watching Netflix. Admittedly, this week alone did not see the best use of my time. I didn't complete any of the ambitious projects that I always imagine I'll endeavor with more free time. My desk is still covered in bills and important documents. My cupboard is a straggly stash of notebooks and art supplies. There are photos and toys and Little N's school work to organize... sigh I did relax. I did enjoy things that I don't get to do while taking care of Little N. Even "wasting time" in the evenings was a treat. I wasn't planning to become a mother when I learned the Little N was on the way all those years ago. I had big imaginings of what I would do with my time. It's been a long process of grieving the life I expected and embracing the life, the motherhood, that I have. Oh, but I missed Little N while he was away. I was so happy to see him running toward me at the airport, to rub noses with him in the car, and to feel his snug little arms around me when we finally hugged at home. I was glad (and sympathetic) that he was sad to see me leave him at home with his dad while I went back to the office this morning. This boy is my life now. I am so happy to have him in it and have him home. Back in December I made a list of dreams for 2014. It's been a series of fits and starts as I make progress on these dreams. But this week, we are noticeably closer to two of them.
The other morning, Little N's dad signed the divorce papers and parenting plan so I am submitting them to the court tomorrow morning. It's one big step toward the Good Divorce that I'm dreaming of for our family. It's a formalizing with the legal and public world of what is already true in our private world. The marriage is over, but the family continues, albeit in an new form, but one equally committed to Little N's happiness and well being. Submitting the paperwork starts a 90-day waiting period before we go to court to finalize the divorce. And there are a couple classes to take in that time - one on Family Law and the other on Children and Divorce. So there are still steps to be made, but this submission to the court is a big one On the path of another dream, I'm starting to lose the weight! Finally! The Kind Naturopaths gave me a terrific and challenging list of foods to eat to help me shed the stress pounds and support my adrenal function. It's working! I'm in my newest pair of jeans and I can put them on without unbuttoning them. And I had to tighten my belt. Little things that encourage me to hold this course of a healthy diet. Back in April, I paused and considered the good work that I was doing toward my 2014 dreams. I still couldn't see any of the results. It was a dogged, baby-stepping, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other time. I found (and continue to find) encouragement in friends and family. Now I can look at the paperwork, and look at my own clothes, and be encouraged by the evidence I find there, too. Oh and there's so much work still to do. I need to find a way to pay for Little N's Summer Camp, and fix my car, and change my school loan payments, and figure out new health insurance for Little N… and what about community and retreats and writing…. It could overwhelm me. But I'm doing the work and getting results. So I know can continue to do so.  June 15, 2013 It's pretty intense, the difference a year makes… last year, on June 15, I posted a Self Portrait Saturday cataloging my driving fears. I hated driving. I had to be focused and hyper vigilant about every intersection and pothole. Left hand turns made me tense. The curving road down to the beach tied my tummy in knots. And don't get me started on bicyclists! Last summer hosted a series of awakenings and initiated a series of transitions that I am still navigating and making my own this summer. I practiced single parenting while Little N's dad worked graveyard shift. We called the end of our marriage. I found friendship, support, and resonance where I didn't expect it. I found independence and strength I didn't know I had.  June 15, 2014 The year since then has been a hiccuping cycle of stress and relief. There's plenty of work still ahead of me. Little N's dad just signed the divorce papers and so I'm on to the next step in that process. Plus, there's money drama to resolve with phone calls and paperwork. Each challenge presents itself before me and I experience the same anxiety and hyper vigilance that a drive to the beach used to elicit.
But the year has also rendered new insights, new sources of resilience and good health, new opportunities to be myself. I've learned that I can work and mother at the same time. I have developed a renewed, special relationship with Little N. I've invested in the Beloved Therapist and Kind Naturopaths with good results in my health, sanity, and choices. I've been invited to share my concerns with friends and been met with love and support. I drive regularly now, I don't love it, but I'm grateful to be able to do it to connect with friends. I'm optimistic that each year further from June 2013 will reveal me to be more independent, competent, and committed. Each new challenge expanding what I'm capable of: single mothering, co-parenting, working, cultivating dreams, restoring my health, connecting with family, friends, and community. The fear and newness of divorce will be replaced with familiarity and routines. And as new challenges present themselves, I'll be able to call on the strength and the adaptability of this year to help me navigate them as well. 
Little N and his dad this morning before the school bus. Check out the paper "tie" that dad is wearing. Little N made it at school for Father's Day. He wrote "I love you" on the back of it. This photo is kind of a big deal because Little N leaned into his dad. Kiddo is usually kind of stiff and stoic in photos, so it's very sweet that he made that move. (And, no, I don't make Little N wear his jacket on these hot summery days. That's totally his choice.)
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About Jenni God is the madwoman in the attic.
I'm camped out on the threshold with my journal, camera, & plenty of snacks.
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Out of the Attic
This blog started in 2006
on Blogger as Out of the Attic. I began posting here in April 2014. Please visit the original site for the rest of the story on topics like: 
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