Oh, big sigh, I feel stuck. That 18-hour binge I wrote about previously turned into two weeks off of the diet and my good habits. I long to feel energized and clear again. I long for that feeling of traction and direction and motion. Instead I've got this stuck sensation.
At first it was about anger at my ex. Which I've still got plenty of. We're baby stepping our way into communication about our son, our parenting plan, explaining "divorce" to a child with increasing questions, and the looming unknown of child support that hangs in the pauses. There's more to be said, by me, at least.
But in the last week there's other concerns that are creeping up in my mind and heart. I'm sad to be without a partner. I don't want to reconnect with my ex, but I also feel the loss of having a special someone to navigate this life with. Someone I respect and enjoy. Someone to raise my son with, celebrate and fight with, adventure with, and generally inhabit time with.
Right now, that's not a dream coming true, or even one to put much energy into. I'm anchoring myself in the life that I have today. I'm trying to "bloom where I'm planted" among my friends, coworkers, and the good company of my son.
I'm also missing "me" time and "my" stuff. I get a short break from parenting when Little N goes to his dad's on Saturday-Sunday but the time tends to get taken up with chores, groceries, a little vegging out and maybe a visit with a friend. But concentrated time to read, write, or otherwise create tends not to happen. I tend to get overwhelmed by what has to happen first to make my environment "just right" that I can't see past the chores and disarray. It might just be this season of parenting. Or it might be a call to start occupying that child-free time a little differently.
And what about the issues I care about? When's the last time I really educated myself on what's going on in the world and made some effort to show up in response to it? What about good work? What about developing my talents, skills, and interests?
Two weeks of mulling my feelings and trying to wiggle away from them with food and fatigue, I'm waking up to my choices. As a lover of lists - I'll draft up a Good For Me To Do list of both actions I can take today (chores on weekdays?, resume diet!) and projects to make step towards (what do I want to create?!).
Parenting and divorcing may be a full and challenging season of tasks, changes, and negotiation but it doesn't have to be a stagnant season for me. And maybe two weeks of two steps back put me in a good position for a renewed perspective on my life.