Little N has been asking me, "Why does Daddy live at his place?"  And so the discussion of divorce has started in little pieces.  When L and & I separated last September I kept it pretty simple for Little N.  I explained that Daddy was getting his own place and that many families live in two different homes.  I went on to name some of Little N's friends who's families lived separately.  At that time, he took our new arrangement in stride and without much objection.  But that's starting to change.

A couple weeks ago, Little N's questions became more persistent.  "Where is Dad?"  At his place. "But why is he at his place?"  I dodged it a little at first.  I simply reiterated that this is how our family lives.  "But why?"  I didn't want to give too many answers until L and I were on the same page and could deliver the same message about our family and its new configuration.  Plus, how do you talk to a child, especially a child on the Spectrum, about something as grown-up, uncomfortable, and routine-breaking as divorce?  

Months ago I picked up a little Sesame Street Kit about divorce at my lawyer's office - Little Children, Big Challenges: Divorce.  It includes a DVD, a book for divorcing parents, and a story book, two-hug day, for the child.  I shared the kit with L and we agreed that it was a good match for our family and addressing Little N's current questions.  

The parents' book suggests language for talking about divorce that keeps the responsibility, problems, and decision in the grown-ups' realm.  It also offers ideas of ways to reassure the child, like ways to talk about big feelings or establishing common routines that the child can continue to rely upon. The child's story illustrates the experience of going between 2 homes, explores some of a child's questions and feelings, and reassures the child of love and connection across the relationships with mom and dad. 

Oh, big sigh, I feel stuck.  That 18-hour binge I wrote about previously turned into two weeks off of the diet and my good habits.  I long to feel energized and clear again.  I long for that feeling of traction and direction and motion.  Instead I've got this stuck sensation.  

At first it was about anger at my ex.  Which I've still got plenty of.  We're baby stepping our way into communication about our son, our parenting plan, explaining "divorce" to a child with increasing questions, and the looming unknown of child support that hangs in the pauses.  There's more to be said, by me, at least.  

But in the last week there's other concerns that are creeping up in my mind and heart.  I'm sad to be without a partner.  I don't want to reconnect with my ex, but I also feel the loss of having a special someone to navigate this life with.  Someone I respect and enjoy.  Someone to raise my son with, celebrate and fight with, adventure with, and generally inhabit time with. 

Right now, that's not a dream coming true, or even one to put much energy into.  I'm anchoring myself in the life that I have today.  I'm trying to "bloom where I'm planted" among my friends, coworkers, and the good company of my son.  

I'm also missing "me" time and "my" stuff.  I get a short break from parenting when Little N goes to his dad's on Saturday-Sunday but the time tends to get taken up with chores, groceries, a little vegging out and maybe a visit with a friend.  But concentrated time to read, write, or otherwise create tends not to happen.  I tend to get overwhelmed by what has to happen first to make my environment "just right" that I can't see past the chores and disarray.  It might just be this season of parenting.  Or it might be a call to start occupying that child-free time a little differently.  

And what about the issues I care about?  When's the last time I really educated myself on what's going on in the world and made some effort to show up in response to it?  What about good work?  What about developing my talents, skills, and interests?   

Two weeks of mulling my feelings and trying to wiggle away from them with food and fatigue, I'm waking up to my choices.  As a lover of lists - I'll draft up a Good For Me To Do list of both actions I can take today (chores on weekdays?, resume diet!) and projects to make step towards (what do I want to create?!). 

Parenting and divorcing may be a full and challenging season of tasks, changes, and negotiation but it doesn't have to be a stagnant season for me.  And maybe two weeks of two steps back put me in a good position for a renewed perspective on my life.