Now is a clumsy, ambiguous, liminal time in my life. Do you recognize phases like that in your life? When you are betwixt, between, and on the cusp of something new-to-you.
It’s taking forever, too long by my standards, to cross this threshold from who and how I am now over to who and how I will be next. It’s shaking loose my relationships, roles, emotions, daily tasks… Everything is rattling and springing leaks. I practice relaxing into it. I ease myself into my unraveling. I wonder/worry what and who will remain with me on the other side.
This morning, I asked my husband how he feels about where we’re at. He said he’s “content.” I’m not. I’m discontent, chafing, bound too tightly into daily routines and this perpetual availability to others. It all feels increasingly like a facade for some raw and ravenous ruckus inside me. I am malcontent.
I sound ungrateful. I insist that’s not it. I am so very grateful to have made this home for my son and my much loved friends. I really am grateful for the kindness and stability my husband brought into our lives. I promise I am grateful to have been supported enough to get to this place where our content family life simply doesn’t fit me anymore.
No, it’s not about my gratitude. It’s about more. More open space in a day or a week for myself. More activities that actually mean something to me. More time with the folks who get me, who see parts of me that I don’t always recognize, who I enjoy, who celebrate, comfort, and connect with me. More creativity. More inspiration. More depth. More intimacy of all kinds.
I’m not ungrateful. I’m not even selfish. I’m hungry as hell and this contented life, that I made, that I cultivated, isn’t producing enough nourishment for me.
I’m hopeful and hopeless at the same time. I ache to let go and see who catches me. I’m tempted to free fall just to feel something different. I imagine hitting rock bottom and building something new in that place. But I won’t.
I’m responsible. Nurturing. Patient. Resilient. I’m biding my time. I’m collecting my tools to design that new-to-me who and how to be. This is simply where and how I am now.