At the close of 2013, I posted a list of dreams that I wanted to achieve in 2014. Looking back at that list a couple weeks ago, I was initially disappointed and despairing that I haven't reached any of them. What is wrong with me, I wondered. Don't I think that I am worth these dreams? Am I just too lazy to go for them?
So I sat with that feeling for a little while, bummed out and kicking myself. It didn't get me anywhere.
Maybe there's another way to look at this, I thought, pulling myself out of the funk. What have I been doing this year?
A lot. I will give myself some credit, some appreciation, and encouragement for the work that I have been doing.
- I've met with Miss AS to talk about what we would do for our first retreat. We're *this* close to having an agenda and rich content for the first session.
- I've continued to meet with the Beloved Therapist and learning how to recognize my emotions in my body and heed them. I've almost quit smoking, for real this time, as I find myself less interested and able to smoke an entire cigarette - and I went an entire week at my mom's without a single puff.
- I went in for my annual physical earlier this month and requested a referral to a nutritionist to help me relearn how to care for my body with food. I've got that appointment on Monday. I'm also considering working with a naturopath on these issues of weight and stress, and am meeting with her next Thursday.
- I've met with lawyers, got a referral to a mediator, successfully completed a mediation session with L, got good advice on how to complete divorce paperwork and redo the parenting plan and even got an estimate on what to expect for child support from L. We continue to share Little N, who sees his dad every day and has an overnight with him every weekend.
- I'm journalling again.
Baby steps, right? But these little steps have brought me forward from that point of dreaming in late December and continue to bring me closer to realizing the dreams. Maybe this isn't a year of celebrating what I have in my hands. Frankly, there isn't much there right now. Rather it is a year of good work building the dreams into reality, remembering myself, reengaging with my body and my life and even my language - how I express myself. A year of awakening from stagnation, hauling myself out of the rut, and the gradual initiating of motion in directions I choose.
There is reason to celebrate. Each little step is another reason.