feel your feels

The naturopaths gave me a homework assignment at my last appointment.  For 2 weeks, I'm keeping a log of what I eat and how I feel.  It's become a useful exercise for me in learning to feel my feelings and start to understand why I eat what I eat when I eat it, as well as my "reasons" for smoking. 

Here are some of my observations, so far: 

• A protein-rich breakfast makes everything better - less cravings, steadier energy
• Drinking water makes everything better - improved mood, steadier energy, improved mental clarity
• Aderall is a terrific afternoon high that masks a nasty afternoon low, plus it often leads to an evening crash just when I need to be getting Little N ready for bed
• Fatigue is a formidable enemy - it sends me straight into the candy jar, it can even trigger a pity-party which also sends me into the candy jar
• A stressful environment, as in other people's stress not mine, sees me reaching for a cigarette
• I have trouble distinguishing between low energy and low moods or emotions but they all lead to mistreating my body
• Routines help - weekdays I have a better chance of eating healthy meals and drinking water than on the weekends

But the exercise has done more than just help me realize some fairly typical dieting tips.  In the act of jotting down how I feel, I've let my symptoms catch up to me a little bit and tell me something about how I'm living.  Even if I still skip breakfast, or dive in the candy jar, or reach for a cigarette, I'm noticing when and why these things happen.  That noticing provides information that I'm otherwise masking and blasting past in the course of my average, "survivalist", day. 

Last year at about this time I compiled a list titled "self care for major depression" on my blog.  Seems like I've known what's good for me all along…. Here's where I'm at this year: 

1. I need to return to the simplicity of ticking things off of this list each day in order to treat myself well, and live well, regardless of how I feel;
2. I want to experience my feelings as they come up in my body and my heart, and be led to treat myself well.   

I don't imagine a utopian lifestyle for myself where I can nap whenever I'm tired and cry whenever I'm sad (like, not at work).  But I do think that the noticing calls me back in touch with my body and emotions so that I can treat myself well as much as possible.